Solid, quivering chunks of light broke up the pitch between the pines, the snow a spectral white sheet giving way to even a fleet fox's step. Trevor hums, "aleftarightaleftaright…” cutting the crisp brittle linen to ribbons, crossing over from pitch to silver shafts of moonlight without losing momentum.
Heaving up rough-hewn chunks of snow, a soundless snowmobile tramps through the fragile medium. Saturated in a heavy dripping blue, a bare figure goads its mute steed on; catching up, and unburdening Trevor of his head.
LOP!
Clean off (his head), Trevor's body continues to glide, leaving a neat trail downhill.
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2 comments:
I think I like this the best yet of the three, mostly because I adore short stories and poetic writing about cold winter landscapes. In fact, in the 2008 O. Henry Prize Short Stories book there is this story entitled "Touch" by Alexi Zentner that I am a million percent enraptured with. Sooo spooky and wondrous.
I like the thought of the rough-hewn chunks of snow, and the "mute steed." Really beautiful, but I'm not sure a snowmobile would be entirely silent on this landscape--great imagery though. And then there's the other few grammatical fixes I told you about.
Perhaps "Clean off (his head)" as the start of the sentence is a little sloppy? Not sure what it is, just sounds awkward.
Love you.
yeah, snowmobiles are noisy as fuck. but i didnt want to be say "the spooky snowmobile that made no sound".
I think i failed at insinuating mystery and spookyness.
ill try again.
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